I worry that some people got the wrong end of the stick:
I said that I have to stop thinking about anyone else and stop comparing my work to others and instead, let myself create freely and to create for myself and no one else.
I still stand by this.
However, this doesn't mean that I don't want to collaborate with other people in that creative process. I'm still always excited to work with other people's ideas and I still definitely, definitely want to collaborate with people throughout the rest of this year on SADFAY songs.
Anyway. I feel I have to backpedal somewhat: Yesterday was a strange day for me. In some ways, it was a real lift and a real treat to spend time doing things for me. In other ways, I was very tired and emotional yesterday: As I mentioned, I was exhausted, obsessing over being 'good enough', but I was physically tired too. I was also weary and fretful that my ATL appearance wasn't well received, as I had ZERO response from asking people to 'Tweet' SADFAY 284 suggestions. So perhaps I reacted in a somewhat 'huffy' way, but mostly I was just worn out.
However, I firmly believe that my 'creative self' does need a break sometimes. And I firmly believe that I need stimulation, in the form of relaxing, free exploration. I need time to myself. I need to shake off all the pressures I feel from this project sometimes.
It's those breaks and times of 'self nurturing' that keep up the creative energy levels, I reckon. And I definitely need more of those and less of the long, burned out days, that don't seem to match the reward.
And then I realise that it's me doing this. I've chose to put this pressure on myself. No one else has. I don't need to respond to criticism (no matter how well-meaning or constructive), I don't need to bother myself with any notion of 'standards', 'quality' and all those other spurious 'conformist' terms. ... Frankly, I can do whatever the fuck I want and you can choose to listen or not.
I guess that's always been the case, but it helped me to realise that, when I was fretting and biting my nails and feeling so tired and emotional yesterday.
That was yesterday though.
Today. Well... I feel, standards are good! It is good to consider criticism. It is good to have feedback and use it wisely. It is good to let myself take ideas from all sorts of sources, because ultimately, anything can be a positive influence on developing as a creative person.
Also, I am proud of the songs where I've really pushed myself hard. I don't want to use yesterday's revelations as an excuse to spend the rest of the year making instrumental piano improvisations.
At the same time, I don't want to be trying to "crack the mould" with every SADFAY either.
So in summary, nothing new has really been established here at all... Everything's going to continue as it has been, by the looks of it, aside from forcing myself to give myself more 'artist breaks' and making sure I'm 'nurturing' my 'creative self' a bit more.
So...
Nothing to see here... Move along...
NB: terms like 'creative self' and 'self nurturing' I picked up from a very influential book for me: The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. I've ranted to many people about how great this book was for me, but more importantly, I think it's telling that many of her lessons are coming back to me at a time when I really need to think about them. I might have to get back into reading her 2nd book, Walking In This World, which takes over where The Artist's Way left off....
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