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I've had a fun and interesting day, with an important discovery I want to share:
My mental health is important to me.
This project has taken me through lots of places within myself and at times I've felt frustration, getting caught up in the notion of being 'good enough'. I'm sure all creative people do it: We constantly compare our work to others' and are disappointed that our own efforts don't match up to our peers. Sometimes this is good as it spurs us on to be better, to try things in a different way. It can give us inspiration and motivation to try harder. Other times, these attempts to live up to unrealistic standards, destroy us.
Today, I needed to step back from worrying about 'you'.
I realised I needed to satisfy me: For the sake of my mental health. I need to stop 'trying harder' and instead, listen to what my heart wants to say and do and proceed from there.
Right now, I've never felt stronger that I need to put me first and forget about anyone else.
It's not anyone's fault that for so long I've felt frustrated and angry. It's completely my own doing. I have been aiming for these unobtainable goals, comparing myself to others in a totally unproductive way, but where has that got me? In the last few weeks I've been feeling completely burnt out, I've been having trouble sleeping and generally feeling totally empty.
What matters is that I'm now learning to ignore the notions of being 'good enough' and instead, I'm going to create for me: Create what makes me feel happy.
My Song A Day For A Year project is about many things, it's not all about my personal creative journey, but ultimately, as a creative person, I cannot sustain the agonising process of caring about being 'good enough', every fucking day. And I am sure many, many creative people deal with this all the time too.
But I am happy, happy to realise that I can continue enjoying this project, (not that I would have quit this far into it anyway) and by stepping back, stepping away from needing the approval or validation of anyone else, I can listen to who I am and create music that is 'good enough' for me, because that's all that matters.
Anyway, if you enjoy this piece, that's great and thanks for listening, but if you don't, well... *shrug* ... so what. You didn't get it. It didn't make sense to you. It was lame / gay / stupid / weak / FAIL .... Fine. To you I say .... Smeh.... This one's for me.
Cheers.
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